Vantage point.

Reading all of the comments on youtube for this video, I don't think it's appropriate for me to share how I feel, so I'm going to post this on the last place people care to look--my blog about being positive and enjoying life.

Well, I DO enjoy life. Every part of it. The ups and the downs. The lucky things that happen to me and the unlucky.

I'm 25 and I would say I'm overly successful for guys my age. --
--But success is hollow.



I go through depression just like everyone else. I get so tired and exhausted, starved and deprived that it drains me. Yet, I look great all of the time.
I had a friend who told me that my heart was "very tender." --I would have to agree with him. My heart is hurt a lot of the time. I've become very sensitive with my feelings and I've learned to embrace it. But I don't want to embrace it sometimes.
The truth is...

I feel "invisible."
I think that I'm a mess inside my head even though I try so very hard not to be crazy and cynical and isolated.
I don't believe that anybody accepts me for who I am and everybody is always trying to change me or influence me.
I don't think anybody appreciates me; at least no one tells me they do. I have to earn every piece of appreciation and it's so much hard work.
No one wants ME around--when I'm being me--I rarely get invited to anything and almost no one accepts my invitations.


Instead of acceptance, my world is full of criticism. My world is full of people who just want to take advantage of me. People are greedy around me, and demanding, and worst of all few people trust me when I say I'm going to do anything.




I don't want to live an isolated life.
But I don't want to be taken advantage of, lied to, tricked, or have people push me into being something I don't want to be.
And more often than not, I am forced to choose: isolation or losing myself.

I refuse to give up my sense of self, and for that I am cursed, and days when the high pressure rolls in, and the stress piles up, and I'm not sleeping well--at those times I get depressed and realize that life is bitter-sweet even though it has the potential of being outstandingly sweet. And THAT is what makes me depressed--that it could be perfect if only... if only I were over there and not right here, I would be in perfect alignment--I would see clearly what I want to see.

My Holidays, My Traditions

I'm not a Buddhist, I'm not a Muslim, I'm not a Christian or a Jew, Pagan, Hindu, and I'm not a fan of celebrating something just because my country or other organization tells me to. But I do believe it's good to have something to celebrate all of the time.


As such, I started living by the things I DO believe in and created my own holidays to celebrate them. My beliefs have something to holiday over every day, as such my holidays are month long events. Some of them push me to be the person I want to be, other urge me to remember the person I am, and other are simply there to remind me of the present.

Each month I receive a text from myself telling me what holiday it is. Here is my list of holidays:

Jan - The Month of Committing
Feb - The Month of Loving Unconditionally
Mar - The Month of Sound Risks
Apr - The Month of Celebrating Life
May - The Month of Respect
Jun - The Month of Indulgence
Jul - The Month of Ideals
Aug - The Month of Returns
Sept - The Month of Reflection
Oct - The Month of Weirding
Nov - The Month of Understanding
Dec - The Month of Giving and Forgiving


Perhaps you would like to join me in celebrating this?

Remembering Peace

Peace is a very abstract word. It connotes a state of being or a feeling, but from my experiences with other people that feeling is not the same for everyone  (or at least people don't think it is the same).

Several Months ago I decided to go in rebellion against typical holidays. I realized that holidays are actual lengths of time set aside to help you remember things--an interesting concept. During that time period you are expected to engage in some tradition or ritual that embodies what you are supposed to be remembering. Take Thanksgiving: most people's tradition is to gorge out on food in order to remember that at one time food was scarce and you ought to be grateful for that--I find that humorous in a "smack in the face" kind of way to those who really are without food. For many people, Christmas is about worshiping their god's birth, and I thought that was a little odd too because life existed before and after this god was born--shouldn't they be focusing on the mere fact that their god exists at all? (I know of no "holiday" that does this for the christian god)

My rebellion lead me to decide that I needed to make up my own holidays--periods of time where I devoted to remembering certain things. Instead of picking a single day however, I took whole months of time. I would say that for me, devoting just one day to something is often difficult and once that day is over I quickly forget about the thing I set about to remember.
So I set up a Google calendar to shoot me a text message on the first of every month that gave me instructions for what the month was all about and I decided I would devote a whole month to that topic. February is the month of loving unselfishly for instance, March is the month of taking calculated risks, April is the month of Celebrating Life.

If anyone is interested, I can add your email or phone number to my list and you too can receive these texts and commit yourself the way that I am (though I might suggest coming up with your own holidays that mean something to you specifically).

April is the month of Celebrating Life...

I've found two things so far from this month: 1) I'm more protective of life, I planted a garden, I'm more aware of children, I'm more aware of people who have different lifestyles than my own and I still realize that they too have managed to live and survive so far, so something they are doing must be working. 2) I'm realizing that my own life is actually quite wonderful. I have no complaints about my life right now.

Further, I'm happy and I'm at peace. I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday in which I revealed to him one of the mental struggles/blocks I am still trying to resolve--everyone has these, few people share them, sometimes they're really simple and more often than not they are very complex. After speaking to him for a few hours I remembered a few things that I really do believe in and can fall back on that really help me resolve some of my mental block (this is all interrelated): The way my life has played out already cannot be changed. The things that have happened to me, the missed opportunities, the regrets, the ethically confusing situations, the instability when all I wanted was stability, the false notions I operated on, everything anyone has ever done to me, anything I have ever done to myself--It has made me who I am today. I would most definitely be a different person and have different insights and different skill sets and a different perspective on life. And, who knows? I might be happy in that alternative timeline or I might not. Things would just be different. That's all.

This life I'm living is actually quite comfortable. I have found peace. I have found happiness. My needs are being met. I have arrived at a job that I really can't complain about--it stimulates my mind at times and gives me a challenge, it presents me with just the right level of stress to keep me interested and not bored, and best of all, when I walk out of the door at 3pm I don't have to think about my work, I can spend the next 8 hours doing whatever I want to do and sleep for 7 more.
I'm "poor" under many standards, but I'm actually quite rich, and I owe that to my employment. I make enough money to pay a mortgage on my home, I pay all my bills, my car is all paid for, I have high speed internet, a few nice things--whatever I care to have that's nice, I have enough money budgeted every month to go on a nice vacation every year (I could go on a cruise if I had someone to go with!) I have enough money to buy art supplies or camp gear, I have a subscription to movie streaming services, I save a portion of my money and though I wish I could make more just so I could get a few things quicker that I don't already have (a new car for instance) ultimately I have two reasons not to complain about my financial/physical comfort:
1. If I'm interested in getting these things at a quicker rate just to keep up with my friends, well, I'm younger than most people who I compare myself to and, unlike them, my car is paid for and I own a home.
2. My needs, so far, are being met. I'm much better off than Thoreau and I could easily adopt at more Thoreauvian approach and save more of my money.


Socially, I have friends who I speak to regularly and who it is apparent care about me. There is a philosophical exercise in which you imagine who would attend your funeral to gauge your circle of close friends, and I don't think I'm lacking in any way for people to attend my funeral. I have the tools and skillsets to make new friends and I do make new friends on a steady basis. Sure, I have plenty of room for more friends, more colleagues, more associates, but what I have right now is pretty good.

Intellectually I have found a sweet system at the library for finding and reading good books. Things that make me really think. I have a few hobbies that require me to problem solve--my work makes me problem solve, and I have plenty of avenues for exploring knowledge and things I'm curious about.

Lastly, emotionally, I'm "dealing with my own shit." I wouldn't say I have more problems than other people and from where I'm standing I have either the same as everybody else, or I'm delusional and I really have much less baggage than other people. In any case I have the tools I need to work through any of my emotions so I'm pretty happy.

I'm confident, I'm comfortable, I'm happy and I'm at peace. Life is good. Tonight, drinks are on me (if you can find me in person I'll seriously buy you a drink).