Vantage point.

Reading all of the comments on youtube for this video, I don't think it's appropriate for me to share how I feel, so I'm going to post this on the last place people care to look--my blog about being positive and enjoying life.

Well, I DO enjoy life. Every part of it. The ups and the downs. The lucky things that happen to me and the unlucky.

I'm 25 and I would say I'm overly successful for guys my age. --
--But success is hollow.



I go through depression just like everyone else. I get so tired and exhausted, starved and deprived that it drains me. Yet, I look great all of the time.
I had a friend who told me that my heart was "very tender." --I would have to agree with him. My heart is hurt a lot of the time. I've become very sensitive with my feelings and I've learned to embrace it. But I don't want to embrace it sometimes.
The truth is...

I feel "invisible."
I think that I'm a mess inside my head even though I try so very hard not to be crazy and cynical and isolated.
I don't believe that anybody accepts me for who I am and everybody is always trying to change me or influence me.
I don't think anybody appreciates me; at least no one tells me they do. I have to earn every piece of appreciation and it's so much hard work.
No one wants ME around--when I'm being me--I rarely get invited to anything and almost no one accepts my invitations.


Instead of acceptance, my world is full of criticism. My world is full of people who just want to take advantage of me. People are greedy around me, and demanding, and worst of all few people trust me when I say I'm going to do anything.




I don't want to live an isolated life.
But I don't want to be taken advantage of, lied to, tricked, or have people push me into being something I don't want to be.
And more often than not, I am forced to choose: isolation or losing myself.

I refuse to give up my sense of self, and for that I am cursed, and days when the high pressure rolls in, and the stress piles up, and I'm not sleeping well--at those times I get depressed and realize that life is bitter-sweet even though it has the potential of being outstandingly sweet. And THAT is what makes me depressed--that it could be perfect if only... if only I were over there and not right here, I would be in perfect alignment--I would see clearly what I want to see.

My Holidays, My Traditions

I'm not a Buddhist, I'm not a Muslim, I'm not a Christian or a Jew, Pagan, Hindu, and I'm not a fan of celebrating something just because my country or other organization tells me to. But I do believe it's good to have something to celebrate all of the time.


As such, I started living by the things I DO believe in and created my own holidays to celebrate them. My beliefs have something to holiday over every day, as such my holidays are month long events. Some of them push me to be the person I want to be, other urge me to remember the person I am, and other are simply there to remind me of the present.

Each month I receive a text from myself telling me what holiday it is. Here is my list of holidays:

Jan - The Month of Committing
Feb - The Month of Loving Unconditionally
Mar - The Month of Sound Risks
Apr - The Month of Celebrating Life
May - The Month of Respect
Jun - The Month of Indulgence
Jul - The Month of Ideals
Aug - The Month of Returns
Sept - The Month of Reflection
Oct - The Month of Weirding
Nov - The Month of Understanding
Dec - The Month of Giving and Forgiving


Perhaps you would like to join me in celebrating this?

Remembering Peace

Peace is a very abstract word. It connotes a state of being or a feeling, but from my experiences with other people that feeling is not the same for everyone  (or at least people don't think it is the same).

Several Months ago I decided to go in rebellion against typical holidays. I realized that holidays are actual lengths of time set aside to help you remember things--an interesting concept. During that time period you are expected to engage in some tradition or ritual that embodies what you are supposed to be remembering. Take Thanksgiving: most people's tradition is to gorge out on food in order to remember that at one time food was scarce and you ought to be grateful for that--I find that humorous in a "smack in the face" kind of way to those who really are without food. For many people, Christmas is about worshiping their god's birth, and I thought that was a little odd too because life existed before and after this god was born--shouldn't they be focusing on the mere fact that their god exists at all? (I know of no "holiday" that does this for the christian god)

My rebellion lead me to decide that I needed to make up my own holidays--periods of time where I devoted to remembering certain things. Instead of picking a single day however, I took whole months of time. I would say that for me, devoting just one day to something is often difficult and once that day is over I quickly forget about the thing I set about to remember.
So I set up a Google calendar to shoot me a text message on the first of every month that gave me instructions for what the month was all about and I decided I would devote a whole month to that topic. February is the month of loving unselfishly for instance, March is the month of taking calculated risks, April is the month of Celebrating Life.

If anyone is interested, I can add your email or phone number to my list and you too can receive these texts and commit yourself the way that I am (though I might suggest coming up with your own holidays that mean something to you specifically).

April is the month of Celebrating Life...

I've found two things so far from this month: 1) I'm more protective of life, I planted a garden, I'm more aware of children, I'm more aware of people who have different lifestyles than my own and I still realize that they too have managed to live and survive so far, so something they are doing must be working. 2) I'm realizing that my own life is actually quite wonderful. I have no complaints about my life right now.

Further, I'm happy and I'm at peace. I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday in which I revealed to him one of the mental struggles/blocks I am still trying to resolve--everyone has these, few people share them, sometimes they're really simple and more often than not they are very complex. After speaking to him for a few hours I remembered a few things that I really do believe in and can fall back on that really help me resolve some of my mental block (this is all interrelated): The way my life has played out already cannot be changed. The things that have happened to me, the missed opportunities, the regrets, the ethically confusing situations, the instability when all I wanted was stability, the false notions I operated on, everything anyone has ever done to me, anything I have ever done to myself--It has made me who I am today. I would most definitely be a different person and have different insights and different skill sets and a different perspective on life. And, who knows? I might be happy in that alternative timeline or I might not. Things would just be different. That's all.

This life I'm living is actually quite comfortable. I have found peace. I have found happiness. My needs are being met. I have arrived at a job that I really can't complain about--it stimulates my mind at times and gives me a challenge, it presents me with just the right level of stress to keep me interested and not bored, and best of all, when I walk out of the door at 3pm I don't have to think about my work, I can spend the next 8 hours doing whatever I want to do and sleep for 7 more.
I'm "poor" under many standards, but I'm actually quite rich, and I owe that to my employment. I make enough money to pay a mortgage on my home, I pay all my bills, my car is all paid for, I have high speed internet, a few nice things--whatever I care to have that's nice, I have enough money budgeted every month to go on a nice vacation every year (I could go on a cruise if I had someone to go with!) I have enough money to buy art supplies or camp gear, I have a subscription to movie streaming services, I save a portion of my money and though I wish I could make more just so I could get a few things quicker that I don't already have (a new car for instance) ultimately I have two reasons not to complain about my financial/physical comfort:
1. If I'm interested in getting these things at a quicker rate just to keep up with my friends, well, I'm younger than most people who I compare myself to and, unlike them, my car is paid for and I own a home.
2. My needs, so far, are being met. I'm much better off than Thoreau and I could easily adopt at more Thoreauvian approach and save more of my money.


Socially, I have friends who I speak to regularly and who it is apparent care about me. There is a philosophical exercise in which you imagine who would attend your funeral to gauge your circle of close friends, and I don't think I'm lacking in any way for people to attend my funeral. I have the tools and skillsets to make new friends and I do make new friends on a steady basis. Sure, I have plenty of room for more friends, more colleagues, more associates, but what I have right now is pretty good.

Intellectually I have found a sweet system at the library for finding and reading good books. Things that make me really think. I have a few hobbies that require me to problem solve--my work makes me problem solve, and I have plenty of avenues for exploring knowledge and things I'm curious about.

Lastly, emotionally, I'm "dealing with my own shit." I wouldn't say I have more problems than other people and from where I'm standing I have either the same as everybody else, or I'm delusional and I really have much less baggage than other people. In any case I have the tools I need to work through any of my emotions so I'm pretty happy.

I'm confident, I'm comfortable, I'm happy and I'm at peace. Life is good. Tonight, drinks are on me (if you can find me in person I'll seriously buy you a drink).

Power and Weakness

Inner power is the greatest power there is. It stems from knowing yourself and being comfortable with yourself. It is diminished when we try to repress our weaknesses. It is diminished when we reflect negatively or harshly on ourselves. It is limited when we accept the judgments of others about ourselves and when we back away from conflicts.

Gaining inner strength is all about placing and enforcing boundaries on ourselves and others. It is not an aggressive action, nor is it a passive action; It is a firm action. Viewing this life from the lens of power struggles, you can see that the largest portion of conflicts in our life deal with the balance of power. People want to feel that they have power over themselves. They fear the power of others. They strive to gain power so that they can protect themselves and store up a better future for themselves. Yet, the power they seek to obtain isn't beneficial in gaining what they are after.

I have stated several times before that we are the most powerful beings in the universe and I stick to that statement, but in order to tap into that power we need to develop habits that promote self-actualization. Self-actualization is defined differently by different people, but my definition involves connecting with yourself in a way that you see your flaws and your strengths and you are comfortable with them. When you are happy with the progression you are making (and not simply the progression you have made), you have gained self-actualization.

This life requires continual improvement. As I have stated before, “we are always falling.” Life is energy and energy is constantly moving and shifting. It is impossible to remain stagnant because you have to actively choose to be stagnant in order to hold your position and when you do so the world moves around you still. This is why it is important that you continue to seek self-actualization. We all have needs. It would seem that these needs are also falling, for example, physically we get tired and must rest to fill that need or eat to cure hunger.

When we have reached a new level of SA, eventually it will start to drop and we will need to refill that SA once more. This may come when you recognize a new flaw or you discover an emotional pain you have been holding in for many years that you do not take care of immediately. It will cause you to question yourself and doubt yourself and possibly despise yourself, in which case you must obtain a new level of self-actualization if you wish to progress in life.  

New Blog: 3BlindBarren

Hi everybody!

I want to announce a new blog I'm starting in this series, titled 3 Blind Barren. This new blog is about the things that we just accept about life without questioning that may or may not be true.

Journeys

Roughing it  by Mark Twain

I have been on another one of life's journeys and haven't written. Oh how I wish you could observe my life and understand me. How I wish you could be here with me and see the things I have seen.

I have found that it is in the times that I am not writing that the most is happening, and the times that I write are the times when less is happening but I am thinking and contemplating. I go in and out of these phases and that's okay. I come back from these journeys and I have grown, I have learned things.

I look at this circumstance and think: Oh how I wish I could return to my old friends. How I wish I could catch up with them because I know that they too have been on journeys, they have learned, they have grown. But not everyone goes on grand journeys. Some people's journeys aren't long and aren't challenging and they don't grow as much or learn as much or change as much, but they are still journeys and they still change a little.

There is a wealth of knowledge to be found when speaking to someone you don't agree with. But not if you don't speak. You need to really speak to them, approach them with the confidence that they will cause you to change and that you might find things you agree with. You need to be willing to dive deep into what they are saying and ask questions so that you keep up with their line of thinking. You do not need to agree with everything, but you need to try and understand them. This is real speech.

When you aren't really speaking with someone, you are on a slow, uneventful journey. When you are truely speaking to someone, they might even take you on a journey. And when you are out in the world experiencing life, risking life, enjoying life, and developing your relationships, then you are on a hard, eventful journey, and you will learn more than if I told you about my journey.

Christmas-Holiday Songs

What Child is this?
Away in a Manger
Silent Night
Oh Holy Night

When you look at Christmas Music (songs made to represent Christianity and Christ's birth) from a folklore perspective, you immediately classify them as "hero worship" songs--songs that are designed to praise the deeds of a hero, someone who has done something outstanding that affects the lives of others.

But I have a question: Why don't we have more Holiday hero worship songs--sure, we have Santa, but he's not real--the metaphor is real, but the person isn't ACTUALLY real.

Things have changed in my life and I need to find the true meaning of Christmas all over again--to me it will always be "Christmas" but what am I really celebrating?

I think the thing that I'm celebrating on Christmas time is the good deeds of those around me. The charitable acts, the dignity, the respect, the courage of man--these are the things I care about. 

To me, Christmas is a time of year to recommit myself to being a man. It's a time of year to recommit myself to being forgiving and merciful. To be thankful. To love. Christmas is about performing kind deeds and helping others.

This year, I'm going to focus on searching for those people who are honorable, who are courageous, who are capable of putting their own wants and desires aside in order to accommodate others. I have a great respect for those people, even though I don't always recognize or acknowledge them. That's what the true spirit of Christmas is about, and I wish more songs were written about these people and their deeds as opposed to some king born long ago whose affect continues to reach me only because his followers continue to worship him even though he died long before they were born and his kingdom is no longer his own.